Wednesday, 14 September 2011

On feelings


  • This post is about me and S's relationship. Thus, for some(mostly those who know me), this is probably far too much information. You guys are just going to have to deal with any mental scaring you incur from reading this. 
  • Discussion of sex(ual) activity, kissing, etc, 
  • Language warning

This post is another on my relationship with S, because I've been intending to write more about it and also because I'd really just like to have one or two posts that I can link people to instead of explaining all of the nitty gritty details over and over and over (and over and over*) again.

But, before I go into our relationship, let me tell you about myself. I'm a cis female non-repulsed aromantic/wtfromantic asexual. I am aware that that is a lot of labels, so let me go though them for you.

  • cis - I identify my gender as being the same one I was assigned at birth, and my sex and gender "match up"
  • female - my gender is female
  • non-repulsed - I have no problems with either the concept of or practice of sex(ual) activity concerning myself***
  • aromantic - I don't feel romantic attraction towards any gender
  • wtfromantic - I form close emotional connections, usually with people who are male, and I want not to be living alone for the rest of my life.However, it's not a romantic connection.
  • asexual - I don't feel sexual attraction towards any gender

Labels done with for now, let me go onto explaining my relationship in detail. It's, quite obviously, not a conventional relationship. As S said to a mutual acquaintance "it's a queerplatonic relationship between a heterosexual heteromantic person and an asexual aromantic person. That's anything but conventional."

But what does that mean for us, in our case?

Well, I can't speak for S, but for me it means I've got a partner. It means I've got someone whom I can hold and be held by, someone I can trust with all that I am, and someone who will try to understand me because they love me. It means I've got someone who worries about me, and who wants me to be happy, and who cares about me. It means I've got someone whom I worry about, and whom I want to be happy, and whom I care very deeply about. It means I've got someone who places the same kind of value on our relationship that I do.  It means I've got someone whom I can laugh with, and cry with, and cuddle and sleep with.

It means I have someone whom I'm allowed**** to express my affections with however I want. It means I can kiss him, and he can kiss me. It means we can do what feels right for us, and what we're comfortable with, and what gives us pleasure instead of trying to ascribe to some arbitrary inane outside rules. 

And, before anyone cries with a triumphant "AHA! YOU (might) PREFORM SEXUAL***** ACTIONS, THUS YOU AREN'T ACE/AROMANTIC!", let me explain something.

I do not see, or feel, kissing or caressing or anything else as an inherently sexual action. It's just physical affection to me. Yeah, I did just say that hugging S is like kissing S is like caressing S is get the picture. But, as I have explained before, I want lots of physical affection with S, not particular physical affection. 

He is my partner, and I like making him happy and giving him pleasure. For now, that's mostly just giving him backrubs. Later, it might be something else. Either way, I get pleasure out of giving him pleasure. (I'm sure most people can identify with this - making someone you love happy makes you happy) But the important thing is we'll work out what works for us. 

And as for the aromantic thing: I love him, but I'm not in love with him. It's not really something I can put into words (it's all wibbly-wobbly, emotionly-wotionly stuff), but suffice to say I can state that whatever the name for the love I feel for him, it's not romantic.

This doesn't mean it's a lesser feeling, or that I don't love him with all of me. It's just not a romantic love. It's...almost an intensely deep platonic love, but not quite. I love him with the bastard love child of romance and platonic.******

Of course, you could have read all this and still not believe me when I say I'm feeling what I'm feeling. If so, there's nothing I can do to convince you. Please fuck off if this is you. I don't need you in my life.

If this is not you, you're welcome to stay.

*and over and over and over and over and over and over...

**as some of the people reading this (i.e. the ones I'm likely to link) may not know wtf I'm talking about, let me give you what dear Wikipedia defines it as : "an adjective used in the context of gender issues and counselling to refer to a class of gender identities formed by a match between an individual's gender identity and the behavior or role considered appropriate for one's sex." It also quotes Kristen Schilt and Laurel Westbrook as defining " "cisgender" as a label for "individuals who have a match between the gender they were assigned at birth, their bodies, and their personal identity" "
If you're still confused, Google it or ask in the comments. If you have a better definition, please feel free to supply it in the comments

***assuming it's all Safe, Sane and Consensual.

****I say allowed because I can kiss him, and hug him, and suck on his fingers and generally fool around with his body (with consent, of course), whereas I both can't(socially, we're not that close) and won't (not that close, these are things I do with S) do that with other people.

*****I am still unsure about how to define what makes something sexual. Yes, there are obvious ones, but what about those which are subjectively sexual? I don't feel things as being sexual, but S does. What does that make some things between us? English language, Y U NO HELP?!

******Platomance? (adj: platoromanticly)

1 comment:

  1. Somehow I missed this before, but I find that this is a really good explanation of how and why an asexual would be in a relationship with sexual-seeming components/an aromantic would be in a relationship with romantic-seeming components. I'm also a nonrepulsed asexual aromantic/???romantic, so reading this makes me hopeful that I'll find a relationship that works for me.